God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow,sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

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Saturday, September 6, 2008

Out of my Comfort Zone.

I am glad that today is over, I had been dreading this day for a month now, every since I lost the twins. Today was my brother's girlfriends baby shower. Yes, My brother is going to be a dad, they are not married, they weren't even trying for a baby it happened. She is due in 3 wks if she lasts that long. When I was told that she was pregnant, I cried and cried, cause Carter and I had been having trouble getting pregnant, and she gets pregnant no problem without even trying. It toke me awhile to let it soak in that I am going to be an aunt whether I want to or not.
I am not emotionally ready to attend baby showers , but I did go today only cause it was my brother, and I would have probably regretted it in the long run, since this is going to be my nephew. I did struggle emotional, and lost it a few times while I was there. The first time was a few people asked me how I was doing, How do you think I am doing? after losing my babies, with it only being 6 wks. I tried to me strong. My mom had me help her with the shower, so I did. This was not an easy day that is for sure. God gave me the strength to get through the day.

Sorry I need to Vent, if you would not like to listen or hear it, please don't read any further.

I am still really angry and bitter still with the miscarriage, I am sure that it will get better in time as that is part of the grieving process. I have found through this rough time that you find out who your true friends are in your time of need and encouragement when you are at your lowest point. My mom has been great she was with us when we find out that we lost the babies and she stayed with me when Carter was not here. Family has been supportive as well, as friends that I have made in the blogging world. Carter has been a good guy as well through this.

I am really frustrated with work right now, others there are not very understanding of my feeling, and sensitive to what I am going through. Their are a few that have been through it, and are not very sympathetic, as I thought that they would be since they have experienced it at one time,what I am going through and they haven't been, why should they, they are either pregnant now or have little ones at home. I have been called into the managers office for my attitude toward my co-workers about the comment that I have made about them being insensitive my feelings and not talking. I need my time to grieve, I am tired of hearing, it has been long enough, you need to get on with life and move on,or you should be over it by now how long has it been, or your still young you can try again. I am sure that they mean well, but please don't say anything to me if it going to hurt me.
I am reading the devotional book (Grieving the Child I Never Knew) , which is helping, I have been listening to Worship music, and reading some verses in the bible, but I have not been to church in quite awhile.I am trying to keep God near as best I can. I ask the Question Why? everyday. I am still really weak when I see babies and pregnant bellies. Did anyone else struggle with that, that has had a miscarriage, is this normal? I think that each day does get easier, but some days are better then others.

On another note, I have my 6 wk Post-op from the D&C on Wednesday the 10Th. I have a page of questions to ask the Dr and hope to get some answers, and will probably get the okay to start trying again. I am on cd 10 right now. I am not sure if I am ready to jump right in, but I don't think that we will prevent or really try in the next few months, we will see, Carter is ready to start trying again, I am not quite there yet.

Well thank you all for listening and bearing with me,I needed to vent and get somethings off my chest.

Hope everyone is doing well.


Hope2morrow said...

Oh honey! Others can be so insensitive, and I am sorry you are experiencing this part of things. Stay close to the ones that are helping you. You will get through this, but take your time. Time and God heal all wounds (not that you will ever forget this).

We are also here for you. Let us know if/how we can help.

Anonymous said...

People can truely be cruel-I'm sorry you are having to struggle through this without as much support as you would have liked.

I've found that writing makes me feel better, so I say vent away.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure that others don't mean to be insensitive. Sometimes they don't know what to say. Sometimes your grief makes them uncomfortable. And sometimes, they really do get tired of hearing about it. God has us all go through valleys at different points in our lives -- maybe they're going through things that you aren't aware of and they are just more personal about it. If your boss has talked to you about it, maybe you work in an environment where it's becoming "unprofessional" for you to grieve so publicly. Do you deal with the public? It may be time for you to find another place to work that is more forgiving and allows you the time you need or if you work with the public, maybe you need to try to find something that allows you to "hide" behind a desk by yourself when you need. I don't know your situation, I'm just speaking from my heart and from experience. I'm not trying to belittle your loss...I just know that miscarriages are fairly common and many couples grieve huge loss. Try to focus on God through this and find blessings in each day rather than dwelling on the loss. Stop counting the days since they went home with the Lord...start counting the blessings that you have each day!

Charnè said...

o my friend attending must have been so hard for you but i understand why u felt you had to go

big hug


Melanie said...

I am so sorry for all of this.... your grief, others insensitivity, etc. You take your time to grieve and please vent here all you want.. it is good for you to get it off your chest.

Praying and praying....

Kate&CodyWhite said...

This is for your support and the ridiculous anonymous comment on you on this section. Jenny, you take all the time you need honey. Only time will let you grieve and only time will comfort you! Anonymous if you ever come back and read the comments on this page you truly need to get a hold of yourself. Obviously you have never truly experience a loss with infertility or you are a heartless human. People handle grief in a different way. If you are in a professional environment, you are deserving of your co-workers support. You are probably spending just as much time at work that you are at home. When you are ready not to be a coward and write another anonymous comment where negative words are not needed think about who you are writing to before you do it. Jenny is a very strong woman and she lost 2 babies get over your self. Jenny Hugs honey and you will heal in time. Keep your chin up!